The Unofficial CMA Awards Awards

Yep, you read it correctly. That Nashville Sound, after being soundly thumped in it’s predictions of the CMA winners (4 out of 12), has been entrusted in handing out the awards that celebrate the best and worst of last night’s Country Music Association Awards ceremony. So without further ado, here are the imaginary awards that came out after you went to bed last night…

The Welcome To The Future Award-
Handed not to Brad Paisley for his hit single of the same name, but to Darius Rucker who was the first African American nominated in the CMA Awards in 37 years. AND, he took home the prize for Best New Artist. Very cool.

Cutest Ditty Of The Night Award-
Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood did a decent job hosting the awards show this year, and their short songs at the beginning of the show were cute. But the best one was their tribute to Brooks & Dunn in the opening monologue with lyrics saying that the only ones happy about Brooks and Dunn breaking up are Sugarland.

The REALLY????? Award-
It was Taylor Swift’s night, pulling home Video Of The Year, Album Of The Year and the coveted Entertainer Of The Year. After the year she’s had, all of that could be understood. But Female Vocalist Of The Year? With her consistent off-tone live performances, you wonder where’s Simon from American Idol when you need him.

The Hell Hasn’t Frozen Over After All Award-
The CMA voters got it very right when the chose the right winner for Song Of The Year- Jamey Johnson’s “In Color.” It wasn’t a smash commercial success, but was the critical darling of Nashville over the last year.

The Doofus Hair-Do Award Of The Night-
Easily goes out to the bass player in Miranda Lamberts band with the spiked Mohawk. Daughtry’s weird extended mutton chops are a close second.

Best Look Forward By Looking Back Award (tie)-
The Zac Brown Band’s cover of the 1979 classic “The Devil Went Down To Georgia” was a great tribute to their home state, a validation of their roots and a show of great musicianship. Also terrific was Martina McBride and George Strait covering Barbara Mandrell’s “I Was Country When Country Wasn’t Cool.”

The Worst Special Effect Of The Night Award-
Goes to the giant movie/LED screen behind the first few artists that played. Special effects are supposed to support and augment the performance of the artist, not overshadow them and be a giant distraction.

The Best Special Effect Of The Night Award-
The naked lit light bulbs, antique photos as background and the snow that fell on top of the Lady Antebellum as they sang “I Need You Now” was beautiful.

Biggest Surprise Of The Night Award-
It wasn’t Taylor Swift bringing home all that glassware, but Lady Antebellum bringing home two trophies for Single Of The Year and Vocal Group Of The Year. It couldn’t happen to a better group of three people.

The Dry Cleaners Appreciation Award-
I counted nine different wardrobe changes for Miss Carrie Underwood last night- and she looked beautiful in all of them. Well… except for that green number that looked like a cross between a slinky and a bow on a present.

Best Look Of The Night Award-
Didn’t go out to a specific outfit, but something that was missing. Wynonna, who is actively promoting a new diet supplement, looked fantastic after obviously losing a ton of weight. Lets hope that for her own health, she reaches all her objectives.

Best Reminder To What We Knew Already Award-
Vince Gill sings the finest harmony on the planet.

The Smallest Thing To Steal The Show Moment Award-
Little Jimmie Dickens playing Kanye West to Brad Paisley’s Taylor Swift and interrupting his fake acceptance speech to tell him Taylor’s video was better was fantastic.

The Most Guitars In One Place Award-
During Brooks and Dunn’s swan song, “Honkytonk Stomp,” they had eight guitars, yes eight, playing at one time.

I’ve Never Felt So Old In Awhile Award-
Goes to me- after watching hundreds of teens singing along with Taylor Swift’s “Fifteen” from the crowd.

As for the real winners, here’s a list below…

ENTERTAINER OF THE YEAR
Taylor Swift
MALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR
Brad Paisley
FEMALE VOCALIST OF THE YEAR
Taylor Swift
VOCAL GROUP OF THE YEAR
Lady Antebellum
VOCAL DUO OF THE YEAR
Sugarland
NEW ARTIST OF THE YEAR
Darius Rucker
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Fearless
Taylor Swift
Produced by Nathan Chapman and Taylor Swift
Big Machine Records
SINGLE OF THE YEAR
“I Run To You”
Lady Antebellum
Produced by Victoria Shaw and Paul Worley
Capitol Records Nashville
SONG OF THE YEAR
“In Color”
Written by Jamey Johnson, Lee Thomas Miller and James Otto
MUSICAL EVENT OF THE YEAR
“Start A Band”
Brad Paisley (duet with Keith Urban)
Arista Nashville
MUSIC VIDEO OF THE YEAR
“Love Story”
Taylor Swift
Directed by Trey Fanjoy
MUSICIAN OF THE YEAR
Mac McAnally - Guitar