The Unofficial Academy Of Country Music Awards Awards

You turned off the television a little too soon last night. That Nashville Sound has been entrusted in handing out the impromptou awards that celebrate the best and worst of last night’s Academy of Country Music Awards ceremony. So without further ado, here are the imaginary awards that came out after you went to bed last night…

The Best Flunkee Back-Up Band Award-
Sure, Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood are big stars and all, but it's not often that you have musical stalwarts like John Fogerty, Brad Paisley and Charlie Daniels playing instruments for you. The opening number was exactly as it was supposed to be, energetic and fun. And most importantly, about the music.

Most Welcome Sight Award-
Speaking of Charlie Daniels, it was great to see him out on stage performing with such energy and vigor. He had a stroke earlier in the year and it doesn't look to have made him any slower while performing. We're as blessed as he is.

Best Reason For Not Being In Las Vegas Award-
Goes to the Zac Brown Band who were on a USO trip for the troops. Pretty amazing that they were up for the biggest ACM award as Entertainer Of The Year and gave up a chance to perform live for the world for a chance to perform live for a few.

Tallest Duet In ACM History Award-
At about 13 feet in combined height, Blake Shelton and Trace Adkins are lucky they didn't hit their head on any of the lighting trusses.

The Biggest Over-Use Of Abs-
Goes to Laura Bell Bundy and her band of merry bare midriffed dancers who obviously skipped the all-you-can-eat buffet at MGM Grand.

The What Would Have Happened If Award-
What would have happened if we would have all texted #9 for Entertainer Of The Year? Would Lee Ann Womack or Jamey Johnson have won? How do you write in a candidate in cell phone text voting?

Best Use Of A Saxophone At A Country Concert Award
Goes to Toby Keith who gave a moving tribute to his pal Waymon Tisdale with Dave Koz. The cutaways to Brotehr Tis's family in the audience were very touching if a bit too personal during this low-key dedication.

Best Neer Beer Reference Award-
It had been a decade or so since I last heard this reference, but during Zac Brown Band's taped USO performance of "Chicken Fried" he asked the troops in attendance to "raise your Neer Beer for a toast" and got a big cheer from the crowd.

Next Best Crossover Country Artist Award?
Could go to LL Cool J who mysteriously was picked as the host to introduce Taylor Swift's live performance- as if having a African-American rapper made up for the Kanye West incident at the MTV Awards.

Best Redemption Performance Award-
After her last couple of live award performances came off pitchy, Taylor Swift gave a great on-key performance that hit some tough-to-hit live notes that should quiet the critics for at least a couple days.

The Holy Moly They Got It Right Award-
Goes to the ACM Voters who didn't pick the Album Of The Year that sold the most, was the most publicized or spawned the most amount of music videos. They picked the one that was the best critically. The only one more surprised than me was the winner, Miranda Lambert.

The Awkward High Five Of The Night Award-
Goes to Blake Shelton who strangely gave his girlfriend Miranda Lambert a high five after it was announced she had won Album Of The Year. Perhaps his "Hillbilly Bone" doesn't allow congratulatory hugs and kisses.

The Most Touching Speech Of The Night Award-
Goes to Troy Gentry of Montgomery Gentry who could hardly keep it together as he gave his acceptance speech for the TJ Martell Humanitarian Award. His shaking voice made this viewer wonder if he would have been nearly as touched if he had won for any music nomination. The power of good deeds moved a lot of viewers last night.

The Biggest Waterworks During An Acceptance Speech-
Goes to Brad Paisley who hadn't even had a chance to dry off after taking his hot tub/pool plunge after singing "Water." He dripped all over the stage in the process.

Best Sentimental Win Award-
Goes to Brooks & Dunn, who in their last eligible year as a duo won their 16th consecutive ACM Top Duo Award. You can argue that Sugarland may have deserved it more, but it was a great send-off for a couple of old road dogs.

Best Blair Witch Project Impression Award-
Goes to the show's producer for Keith Urban's "I'm In" performance filmed entirely in hand-held cameras. Sales of motion sickness pills went up at Walgreens last night I'm sure right before the two hour mark of the ACM's.