The 2010 Unofficial CMA Award Show Awards

If you thought the 44th Annual CMA Awards were over after you went to bed at 11p, you were wrong. Yep, you read it correctly. Without any fanfare of any kind, I have been entrusted in handing out the awards that celebrate the best and worst of last night’s Country Music Association Awards ceremony. These are the awards handed out about the award. So without further ado, here are the imaginary awards that came out after you went to bed last night…

The Only He Could Make the Banjo Seem “Rock Star” Cool Award
Goes to Keith Urban who looked like a rock star when he came out in the Carrie Underwood’s opening number.

Mermaid Look of the Night Award
Lady Antebellum’s Hillary Scott’s red dress was a flashback to Darryl Hannah and the movie Splash. With its narrowness below the hips and flair back at around her feet, it looked like she had to go to the bathroom with her knees all locked up together like that.

Bedazzler Product Placement Award
Bling was everywhere last night, but it looks like Bedazzler will be the title sponsor to the Rascal Flatts tour this year. They’ll be taking over for JC Penny’s since Gary LeVox encrusted his entire watch- all the way around- with sparkly sparkles.

Fashion Accessory of the Night Award
And talking about bling, you just weren’t cool unless you were wearing a new wedding ring or engagement ring. Carrie Underwood, Kellie Pickler and Miranda Lambert each were sporting some serious new hardware on their left hands.

Wardrobe Mix-Up Award
Backstage, it was obvious that there was a major dressing room mix-up when Blake Shelton and a CMA executive had their dry cleaning placed in opposite rooms. Blake took it all in stride and came out in the corner-office-executive look anyways for his performance of “All About Tonight.”

The Kick in the Groin Award
Goes to ABC for their audio feed out here on the West Coast (at least to the ABC affiliate in Sacramento). With a stream that was broken up and garbled during the first hour of the show, it almost sounded like Carrie Underwood was underwater during her opening number. When you can’t hear a music show, that’s not good.

School Girl Scream of the Year Award
Little Jimmy Dickens wins over all of the twenty-something (and under) ladies in the upper deck for his silly and hilarious school-girl holler in his flood warning scuba gear get-up.

The Finally On-Key Award
Taylor Swift had perhaps her finest live moment at this year’s CMA Awards with her performance of “Back to December.” With a sea full of dry ice surrounding her- and drowning her orchestra- she turned in an on-key and fairly strong live performance that hopefully helps distance herself from last year’s pitchy singing.

The I Was Robbed Award
With only twelve key awards, does the CMA really have to skip handing out some of their awards live there on the show? Mac McAnally, Blake Shelton, Trace Adkins, and Miranda Lambert all got hosed by not being able to go up on the stage during the broadcast and have their moment for their wins for Best Musician, Best Vocal Event of the Year and Best Music Video respectively.

The Rapunzel Dress Award
Brad Paisley called up to the tower to the princess and said, “Carrie, Carrie, let down your dress.” And Carrie rolled out the second longest dress ever seen on an awards show during her performance of “Mama’s Song.” Only the scarlet red dress now in the Country Music Hall of Fame had more bolts of fabric in it.

Best Dolly Parton Impression Award
This award is handed out to Kellie Pickler who showed off her va va voom assets to all the world in her gold foil dress while making her award presentation.

Best Charles Schultz Dedication Award
Does Charlie Brown know that Keith Urban stole his shirt?

Wrong Awards Show Award
Country music’s inferiority complex was on display again last night. Is there really not enough good country material where the CMA feels like it needs to reach outside the genre for material to reach new viewers? We had Sugarland’s reggae rap, a Beyonce cover by Reba, Kid Rock’s Bob Seger-ish anthem and a Kelly Clarkson duet cameo all in a span of thirty minutes on this “country show.”

Sign Her Quick to a Country Label Award
Kelly Clarkson already has proven her country cred with chart success with her Reba duet a few years back. Last night, she showed off her amazing pipes with her duet with Jason Aldean. It would be fun to see her record a country specific album.

Best Acapella Performance Award
This award goes to Little Big Town in their Taylor Swift cover during the presentation for Album of the Year. Their harmonies were perfect and it only left this reviewer wanting more.

Best Tribute to Those That Came Before Us Award
Brad Paisley is a proud flag-bearer and proponent of country music’s pioneers and he showed it again last night. On his brand new song “This Is Country Music,” he had images of dozens of country music’s greats on the screen behind him including Charlie Daniels, Randy Owen, Kris Kristofferson, Hank Jr., John Denver, George Jones and Conway Twitty. Paisley's genuine appreciation of those that paved his way goes deep- proven again in his Entertainer of the Year Award speech when he called out the influences of Buck Owens and Johnny Cash.

Forgot To Hand Out The Retirement Watches Award
Missing was any tribute to Brooks and Dunn retiring and then Sugarland stole their last-award-show thunder winning the Best Duo Award out from under them.

Best Use of Elton John’s Stolen Piano Award
Goes to Lady Antebellum’s Dave Haywood who played “Hello World” on a red and gold leaf piano that was surely stolen somewhere along the way from Sir Elton.

Upset of the Night Award
This award is handed to Blake Shelton for his win for Best Male Vocalist of the Year. Blake was shell-shocked as his name was called. It’s not often that the funny guy is lost for words, but there he was up on stage almost speechless. Showing your dark side and being honest and true to oneself pays off in the end.

Best Standing Ovation Award
Bridgestone stadium got on its feet to celebrate the biggest legend in the building, the “Coal Miner’s Daughter” known as Loretta Lynn. There was something appropriate with Miranda Lambert standing arm and arm with Lynn after winning her Female Vocalist of the Year Award thanking her for paving the way with tear-filled eyes. The tribute to Lynn was the highlight of the night- and richly deserved.

Countriest Song of the Evening Award
Who knew that the most country sounding song would be played by Hollywood starlet Gwyneth Paltrow?